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The following Comedy presents a pleasing picture of
adventures, in a family all life and spirit, during the summer
recess in the Country. It was brought out at Drury Lane in 1776,
and was the last play superintended by Garrick. His Epilogue
contains a humorous description of the fashions of that day.
In LADY DINAH is held up to contempt, as fully as
representation in a Theatre would well admit, the freethinking
Philosophy of a Female Student. In the under Plot, between her
and her Servants, that mutual infidelity, by a law of the moral
world, is inherent in a conspiracy of fraud on others, is
enforced, not by dull maxims, but pleasantly by Example.
Emily in this Comedy was the only new character in which
MRS.SIDDONS appeared when she was a Candidate, the first time,
before a London Audience.
Prologue.
Oh, the sweet Prospect! what a fine Parterre;
Soft buds, sweet flowers, bright tints, and scented air!
[Boxes.]
A Vale, where critic wit spontaneous grows,[Pit.]
A Hill, which noise and folly never knows!
[Gallery.]
Let Cits point out green paddocks to their spouses,
To me no Prospect--like your Crowded Houses,
If, as just now, you wear those smiles enchanting,
But, if you frown! my heart will soon be painting!
Your brows from wrinkling into Frowns to night
I'll bribe--but how? Oh, now I've hit it--right.
Secrets are pleasant to each child of Eve;
I've one in store, which, for you Smiles, I'll give.
Oh list! a tale it is, not very common,
Our Poet of to night, in faith's a--Woman!
A woman, too, untutor'd in the school,
Nor Aristotle knows, nor scarce a Rule
By which fine writers fabricated Plays,
From sage MENANDER'S, to these modern days;
How she could venture here I am astonished!
But, 'twas in vain the Mad-cap I admonished;
Told her of squeaking Cat-calls, Hisses, Groans,
Off-offs, and Critic's dread condemning moans.
I'm undismay'd, she cried; for critic men
Will smile on folly from a Woman's pen.
Then, 'tis the Ladies' cause! why, I'm secure--
Let him who hisses no soft Nymph endure,
May he who frowns, be frown'd on by his Goddess,
From Pearls, and Brussel's-point [Boxes] to Maids in
Boddice. [Gallery.]
Now, for a Hint of her intended feast:
'Tis rural, playful,--harmless 'tis at least;
Not over-stock'd with repartee or wit,
Though, here and there, perchance there is a hit.
She ne'er has sought Apollo's classic fire,
Or Muse invoked, or heard th' Aönian Lyre;
Her Comic Muse--a little blue-eyed maid,
With cheeks which innocence and health displayed,
In lieu of Phoebus--but a romping Boy,
Whose Taste is trap-ball, and a kite his joy;
Her Nursery, the study where she thought,
Framed fable, incident, surprise, and plot.
As, from surrounding hints, she caught her plan
Her Fancy flew from infancy to man;
Tom plagues poor Fan, she sobs--and loves him still,
Kate aims her wit at both, with roguish skill,
Our Painter watch'd the lines, which Nature drew,
Her fancy glowed, and coloured them for You;
A MOTHER'S eye through each soft scene pervades,
Her Children rose before her flatter'd view,
Hope spread the canvass, whilst her Wishes drew!
We'll now present you drapery and features,
And warmly hope you'll like the sportive creatures;
Whilst Tom plays on with kites, and Fan with Dollies,
Till time matures them for important follies!
CHARACTERS.MEN.
| Mr. HARGRAVE. | Mr. Yates. |
| GEORGE HARGRAVE.(His Son.) | Mr. Smith. |
| Mr. DRUMMOND. | Mr. Bensley. |
| Sir CHAR. SEYMOUR.(Harriet s Lover.) | Mr. Brereton. |
| Mr. MORLEY.(Emily s Uncle.) | Mr. Aikin. |
| JUSTICE. | |
| JUSTICE S CLERK. | Mr. Parsons. |
| JARVIS. | Mr. Palmer. |
| FIRST HUNTER. | Mr. Bannister. |
WOMEN.
| Lady DINAH. | Mrs. Hopkins. |
| HARRIET.(Mr. Hargrave s Daughter.) | Miss Hopkins. |
| BELLA.(His Niece.) | Miss Younge. |
| EMILY MORLEY. | Mrs. Siddons. |
| SUSAN. | Mrs. Wrighten. |
Scene. Mr. HARGRAVE'S House in the Country.
Enter BELLA, HARRIET, and GEORGE Hargrave.
George. Oh, for the Luxury of dressing-gown and
slippers!--the roads are so dusty, and the sun so hot--'twould be
less intolerable riding Post in Africa.
Bella. What a wild imagination! But, by what mishap
are youalone? What have you done with all the College
youths?--This is the first Vacation you ever came home
unaccompanied; I assure you Sir we are quite disappointed.
Geo. Most unconscionable creature! Never to be satisfied
with Conquest. There's poor Lumley shot through by your merciless
eyes.
Bella. A notable victory indeed! However, his name
serves to add a Unit to the list of one's conquests, and so you
may give him hope enough just to feed his sighs--but not to
encourage his presumption.
Geo. Paragon of Generosity! And what portion of
comfort will you in mercy bestow on Egerton and Filmer, who still
hug the chains of the resistless Arabella!
Bella.Upon my word, your Catalogue grows
interesting-- 'tis worth while now to enquire for your
Vouchers--Proofs,George, proofs!
Geo. Why, the first writes sonnets in your praise,
and the last toasts you till he cannot see.
Bella. Oh, most surprising fortune! The Dulcinea of
one; and to the other a CIRCE--transforming him into a beast. I
hope you have better love-tokens for the blushing Harriet--How
does----(looking at Harriet).
Harriet. Fie Bella--you use me ill!
Geo. Why sister! you plead guilty before the Charge
is finished. But tell me, my sweet Harriet, who is the favoured
mortal of whom you wish to hear?
Har. Indeed, Brother, I have no enquiry to make;
--but, I imagine my Cousin can inform you whom she meant.
Bella. Oh, doubtless, I could make the enquiry for
you; but you look so offended Harriet, that I dare not
venture--ask for Sir Charles Seymour yourself.
Geo. Seymour! (Aside.--Oh, oh! very
confidential is my friend Sir Charles, truly; and this then is
the object of his intended Visit!)--If Seymour be the man, my
sister set you heart at rest; he is not very distant from
marriage--if I am not mistaken--with a fine blooming girl;
(looking at Harriet) not more than nineteen--soft
dove-like eyes--pouting lips--teeth that rival, doubtless,
oriental pearl--a Neck--I want a Simile now--ivory, wax,
alabaster--no! they wont do.
Har. (With an air of Pique) One would imagine,
Brother, you were drawing the picture of your own Mistress,
instead of Sir Charles's, your colours are so vivid.
Geo.A fine woman, Harriet, gives animation to all
around her: she is that Universal Spirit about which Philosophers
talk, the Attraction that binds the system of Society.
Bella. Heydey, George! Did the charms of Lady Dinah
inspire this rhapsody!
Geo. Charms! What, of that antiquated, gaudy,
sententious, philosophic Lady, who blessed us with her long
Speeches at dinner?
Bel. You must learn to be more respectful in your
Epithets,Sir, for that antiquated, sententious, philosophic Lady
designs you the honour, we suspect, of becoming your Mother!
Geo. My Mother! Heaven forfend--you jest, surely!
Bel. You shall judge.--We met her in our late visit
to Bath.She renewed her acquaintance with your Father, with whom
she had been intimate in Mrs. Hargrave s life time. He invited
her to return with us, and she has been here this month. They
are, frequently, closeted together. She has forty thousand
pounds, and is Sister to an Irish Peer.
Geo. She might have been Grandmother to a Peer, by the
years she has numbered. But, her excessive Stateliness and
Decorum overcame me;--how can they agree with my father's
vociferation, october, and hounds!
Bel. Oh, I assure you, wonderously well--she kisses
Jowler, takes Ringwood on her lap, and, as for the october, she
has more than once sipped out of your Father's tankard.
Obstructing Delicacies are easily made to give way, when Schemes
are formed in the minds of her stamp.
Geo. My pretty Coquette Cousin Bella, take care to
avoid that state in which your delicacy may give way! when
you may rise from the labours of your toilette with no end in
view but the conquest of--some Quixote Galant in his grand
climacteric, on whom you ll squander more encouraging glances,
than all the sighs and ardor of two-and-twenty can extort from
you now.
Bel.Memento mori! Quite a College compliment!
you ought rather to admit that my power will encrease, until,
like Ninon, I sway more peremptorily at Eighty than at
Eighteen. But, here's John coming, to summon us to Coffee.
--Harriet!
Geo. Come, Harriet--why that pensive air? give me you
hand.
Har. I'll only step and look at my birds, and follow
you instantly.--(Exeunt GEORGE and BELLA
playfully) Set your heart at rest, my Sister! --Oh
Brother, you have robbed that heart of rest for ever. Cruel
Intelligence! Perfidious Seymour! Yet, of what can I accuse him?
He never professed to love me. Yes! his ardent looks, his sighs,
his confusion, his respectful attentions, have a thousand times
professed the strongest passion. Oh! a man cannot in honour be
exculpated, who, though the word Love never pass his lips, by
such methods defrauds a woman of her heart! [Exit.]
Scene II. A Garden Parlour.
Bel. Hang this Lady Dinah--one s forced to be so
dressed, and so formal! In the Country we should be all Shepherds
and Shepherdesses; --Meadows, Ditches, and Rooks, make a strange
combination with Court Manners!
Geo.Hist--she s in the Hall I see; I ll go and squire
her in. [Exit, and returns with Lady Dinah.]
Lady D. To you, Sir, who have been so long conversant
with the classic manners of the Antients, the frivolous custom of
Tea-drinking must appear ridiculous!
Geo. No Custom can be ridiculous, Lady Dinah, that
gives us the society of the Ladies. The state of the young men of
those days excites pity; they never partook of such elegant
hours.
Lady D.(aside)He is all that his Father described!
Enter Mr Hargrave.
Mr. H. No; Barbary Bess is spavin'd, let her be
taken care of; I'll have Longshanks, and see that he is saddled
by five. So, we shan't have you in the Hunt tomorrow, George; you
must have more time to shake off the lazy rust of Cambridge, I
suppose.-- What sort of hours d'ye keep at College?
Geo. Oh, Sir, we are frequently up before the Sun,
there.
Mr. H. Aye, then it must be when you have not been in
bed all night I believe. And how do you stand in other matters?
Have the old ones tired you with their Greek, and their Geometry,
and their learned Experiments to shew what Materials air, and
fire, and water, are made of--eh?
Bella. Oh, Sir, he never studied them closely enough
to be tired. His philosophy and mine keep pretty equal pace, I
believe.
Geo. As usual, my lively Cousin! Why not say my
Philosophy and your Coquetry--that would have been a
Compliment! However, Sir, I am not tired of my Studies, though
Bella has not exactly hit the Reason.
Lady D. (to Mr. H.) The Muses, Sir, sufficiently
recompence the most painful assiduities. Those indeed who court
them like the Toasts of the season, merely because it is the
Fashion, are neither alive to their beauties, nor penetrated with
their charms. But, these are faithless Knights;--your Son, I dare
say, has enlisted himself amongst their sincerest votaries.
Geo. You do me great honour; and I have no doubt that
with the Muses you are familiarly acquainted. They shed their
favours on a few only, but those who obtain them must, like you,
be irresistible! (Aside. I'll catch her Ladyship's
stile!)
Mr. H. (aside) Humph--I m glad he likes her.
Lady D. You men are so full of Flattery! In Athens,
in Lacedemon, that vice was, for ages, unknown--it was then that
the Athenians were the happiest, and the Lacedemonians the most--
Bel. Oh mercy!--I have burnt my fingers in the most
terrible manner!
Enter Harriet, from the Garden.
Harriet. Dear Bella, I am quite concerned!
Bella. (aside.) Pho!--I only meant to break in upon
her Harrangues; there's no enduring so much Wisdom!
Enter Servant.Serv. Mr. Drummond.
Enter Mr. Drummond.
Mr. D. Ah! my dear Godson! --why this is an
unexpected pleasure. I did not know you were arrived!
Geo. I have had that happiness only a few hours, Sir,
and was on the point of doing homage to you at the Park.
Mr. D. Ungracious Rogue! a few hours, and not been
with me yet! However--stay where you are--stay where you are,
George; you cannot come under my roof with Safety now, I assure
you; such a pair of eyes--such a bloom--such a shape!--Ah Girls,
Girls!
Harriet. Dear Mr. Drummond of what, or whom, are you
speaking? You make me quite jealous.
Mr. D. Oh! you are all outdone, eclipsed--you have no
chance near my Incognita. Then she has the prettiest foot,
and moves--a Grace!
Bel. Teasing Creature!
Mr. D. Pretty Bella! well, it shall be satisfied, Mr.
Hargrave, I wait on you, Sir, to request a reception for a young
Lady of Beauty and Honour, who has put herself under my care.
But, as I really think my house a dangerous situation for her,
considering that I am single, young, and handsome (touching
his cheeks)--I cannot, in Conscience, subject her to the
risk!--You, being a grave, orderly, man, and having a couple of
decent, well- behaved young women for a Daughter and Niece, I
think she will be more certainly protected here--And this is my
business.
A young Lady put herself under your care! Who
is she?
Mr. D. Her name she wishes to conceal.
Mr. H. That's very odd! Where did you meet with her?
Mr. D. At the house of a Widow Tenant of mine, where
she had taken Refuge from a marriage to which her Uncle would
have forced her. She had no companion but the good old Lady; whom
I found employed in assiting her to weep instead of consoling
her. In short, there were reasons for thinking her situation
there placed her within reach of Intrusion, and I prevailed on
her to leave it.
Mr. H.Mr. D. I dont remember that I was ever imposed on.
Mr. H. No! don t I know how many people you have
plagued yourself about--who had not one grain of Merit?
Mr. D. I want Merit, Mr. Hargrave; yet, all the
blessings of Health and Fortune have not been withheld from me.
Mr. H. Aye, aye--there's no getting you to hear
Reason on this subject.
Mr. D. 'Tis too late to reason now. The young Lady is
at my house, I have promised to bring her hither, and we must
endeavour to raise the poor girl's Spirits. She would have
spoiled the prettiest face in England--I beg pardon
Ladies--one of the prettiest faces, with weeping at the
old Widow's.
Bel. An old Widow, a pretty Girl, a Lover, a
tyrannical Uncle!--'tis a charming group for the summer amusement
of a village circle. I long to see this Beauty.
Lady D. Her mere Beauty, according to Mr. Drummond,
may be conspicuous enough--but, her Pretensions to BIRTH and
HONOUR seem to be a more doubtful matter.
Geo. Pardon me, my Lady, why should we doubt of
either? A Lady in such a situation has a Right to protection; and
I hope, Sir (to his father) you will not withhold yours.
Mr. H. Oh, no, to be sure, George.--Shud! refuse
reception to a fine Girl! 'twould be, with you, a crying Sin, I
warrant! But Mr. Drummond, I should suppose--
Come, you shall be satisfied. Though the
weakness with which you reproach me would have induced me to have
snatched her from an alarming situation without much Examination,
yet, in compliment to your Delicacy, I have made proper
enquiries;--she was placed under the care of Mrs. Carlton by a
person of character, and she has dispatched a Messenger to her
Uncle, who, I presume, will be here to-morrow.
Harriet. (To Mr. H.) Pray, Sir, permit us to wait on
the Lady, and conduct her; I am strongly interested for her.
Mr. H. 'Tis an odd affair.--What say you to it, My
Lady?
Lady D. As your family seems desirous to receive her,
Sir, I am sorry to perceive an Impropriety in the request. But I
should apprehend that any appearance of Encouragement to young
Ladies in disobedience--particularly when accompanied with the
glaring Indecorum of an Elopement--
Mr. H. Aye, very true. Shud, Mr. Drummond, how can
you encourage such--
Mr. D. My Lady, I do not mean to encourage, but to
restore the young Lady to her family. she seems terrified at the
peculiar severity of her Uncle's temper; so, we'll put ourselves
in form, receive him in fully assembly, and divide his anger
amongst us. Your Ladyship, I'm sure, must be happy to render the
recovery from the first false step as easy as possible.
Mr. H. Why, aye, my Lady, there can be no harm in
that, you know.
Lady D. Very well, Sir, if you think so, I can no
longer perceive Impropriety.
Mr. H. Well then, Harriet, you may go I think.
Bella. And I with you, Cousin.
Mr. D. Come then my pretty doves--I'll escort
you.--George, steel your heart, steel your heart! you Rogue.
Geo. Oh, it is steeled, already, Sir.
[Ex. Mr. D with
Harriet and Bella.]
Mr. H. You need not go, George, I want to speak to
you.
Lady D. (aside.--Bless me! What does he intend to
say, now? he is going to open the affair to his Son--well--these
are the most anxious moments in a Woman's life--but, one must go
through with them.) I have Letters to write, which I'll take this
leisure to do, if you'll pardon my absence, Gentlemen.
Mr. H. To be sure, my Lady.
[both bowing. Exit Lady D.]
Well, George, how do you like that Lady?
Geo. Inexpressibly, Sir.--I never saw a Lady so
learned!
Mr. H. Oh, she's clever--she's an Earl's Sister too,
and a forty thousand pounder! boy.
Geo. That's a fine fortune.
Mr. H. Aye, very fine, very fine--and then her
Interest! suppose I could prevail with her--eh, George--if one
could keep her in the family, I say--would not that be a hit?
Geo. An alliance with so noble a Family, Sir, is
certainly desirable.
Enter Servant.
Serv. The Gentlemen are in the smoaking parlour, Sir.
Mr. H. Very Well--are the pipes and october in
readiness?
Serv. Yes, Sir. [Exit.]
Mr. H. Well then, we'll talk over the affiar
to-morrow. What, I suppose your stomach is too squeamish for
Tobacco and strong beer? You'll find the Justice, and some more
of your old friends, there.
Geo. Pardon me, Sir, I made too free with the bottle
at Dinner. I believe a turn in the Garden in a better recipe than
tobacco fumes.
Mr. H. Well, well, we wont dispute the matter with you
now, boy--but, you know, I dont like Milksops.
Geo. (smiling) Nor I Sir. [Exit.]
Mr. H. Aye, aye, George is a brave boy; he is not of
the set of whipsters who, affecting to despise the jolly manners
of their Ancestors, only show us--how greatly manners may be
altered without being mended! (Enter Justice.) It is at
least doubtful whether we are a bit wise, happier, or greater,
than we were in good old Bess's days, when the men of Rank were
robust, and the women of Fashion buxom.
Justice. Aye, aye, I wish the innovations of
Pretty Fellows and Puny Girls were antiquated. A
rosy buxomlass, with eyes that sparkle like the glasses we toast
her in--adad, I'd drink her health till the earth went gaily
round under me. --But, what a plague, Squire, d'ye stay here
for?--come and make your Speeches in t'other room; we can drink
in the mean time--and there'll be no time lost.
Mr. H. Well, well, I'll go; but, I want to consult
you;--I have been thinking whether this Greenwood estate--
Jus. Tush, you know, very well, that I can neither
consider or advise, 'till I have had my brace. I am as dark,'till
the liquor sends its Fires into my brains, as a lanthorn without
its candle; so, if you've any obscure point to be examined, keep
it until I'm enlightened.
Mr. H. Well, come along. [Going.]
Enter Clerk.
Clerk. The people from the Crown, your Worship, and
the Rose, and the Antelope, are here, again, about their
Licences.
Jus. (to Mr. H.) There! this is what I've got by
coming for you. I charged the Butler not to let this dog in.--Why
how can I help it? bid 'em come again to-morrow.
Clerk. And here's a Pauper to be passed, a lame man
with four children.
Mr. H. Well, turn him over to the Cook, and let him
wait 'till we are at leisure; --he'll be better off than in the
world at large.
Clerk. And a Constable has brought up a man for
breaking into Farmer Thompson's barn last night.
Jus. Has he? (seeming irresolute) Well, tell
him to wait too--we are going to be busy now. But, I hope he wont
let the prisoner escape, as he did that dog Farlow.
Clerk. I wish he mayn't. But, Sir, Justice Manly is
now in the smoaking-room. I have spoke to him about the
Licences--and we mayn't have another bench this----
Jus. Will you please to march, Sir?
[Exit Clerk.]
Mr. H. Well done, old Boy! Burn himself could not
have dispatched business with more Expedition.[Going.]
Enter Clerk.
Clerk. The Miller is here, Sir, with a man that he
catched with a Hare that he had taken in a Springe; but, the poor
fellow, please your Worship, has a large Family!
[Hargrave andJustice
return.]
Mr. H. What!--a Hare! Come along Justice!
[Exit with the Clerk.]
A burst of laughter from the smoaking Room, on the opposite
side; the Justice looks wistfully back, and then follows Mr.
Hargrave.
Scene III. The Garden
Enter George, reading.
Geo. Here's a special fellow of a Philosopher, now,
would persuade that Pleasure has no existence, when nature
abounds with it, courting the senses in a thousand varied modes;
reigning, in the Understanding, in the faculty of Reason, and
seizing the Heart--in the form of beauteous, all subduing, Woman!
And one there is--Memory! be faithful to her charms; shew me the
beauteous Form--the Mind beaming in her eyes--the Blush and Smile
that repaid my Admiration--
Enter Bella.
Bel.Oh! monstrous--George Hargrave soliloquizing in
the Garden, whilst the finest girl in England is in the Parlour!
What is become of your Gallantry?
Geo. Gone, sweet Cousin, gone.
Bel. Indeed! Who has robbed you of it?
Geo. A Woman.
Bel. Come then and regain it from--sucha
Woman!
Geo. Is she so beautiful?
Bel. Beautiful! look at me--I myself am not so
handsome.
Geo. Ha! ha! ha!--that I confess is an infallible
proof. But, I'll bet this whole Volume of Wisdom against one of
your Billet-doux, that she's not within fifty degrees of
her who witched my heart away.
Bel. Witched indeed, if, in six weeks, it has not
made one Excursion. I never knew you so constant before; however,
I prophecy her Charm is broke. The divinity who will reign
--perhaps for another six weeks--is coming down the steps with
Harriet. But, that her Rays may not dazzle your mortal sight at
once, shelter youself behind the clump, and examine her through
the Leaves. (George goes and returns.)
Well, how d'ye like her?
Geo. Like her !--The air is all Ambrosia--every happy
star has lent its influence, and, led surely by the Plant, Venus,
they have guided the event.
Bel. Hey dey ! what event? This cannot be your
Masquerade Lady!
Geo. It is, it is--the sweet thief herself! She is my
Wood-Nymph--Oh, I am transported!
Bel. And I amazed. How can it be?
Geo. No matter how, whether by Chance or Witchcraft;
--how could my thoughts be gadding now amongst the Stars!--Pshaw-
-away--and, at her feet indulge these transports!
[Going.]
